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HOW TO SURVIVE VALENTINE’S DAY WHEN YOU ARE ALONE ♡

Posted on 11 January 2015 by Alice Posted in Articole .

     ♡ With Valentine’s Day just a couple of days away, many are frantically trying to figure out how they can express their love for their significant other, while others are trying to find a way to avoid the hearts- and love-filled holiday altogether. Valentine’s Day on every level is about love, and so often when we are single on such a holiday, we begin to feel depressed, as though there must be something wrong with us or we would have someone to share the day with. While feeling depressed and lonely is an understandable way to react, there are ways to combat those feelings and embrace the single life, even on a romantic night such as Valentine’s Day.                                                                                                           

Psiholog, Psihoterapeut Iliescu Alice

Psiholog, Psihoterapeut Iliescu Alice

  • Suggestion No. 1: Don’t try to avoid the holiday. As someone who has been single more Valentine’s Days than not, I can tell you the desire to not see ads for flowers, not see giant, red plastic hearts hung from store ceilings, or not see bowls of cheap, chalk-like candy hearts that say “Be Mine” everywhere won’t keep you from seeing them. Just as every year I get tired of Christmas music two days after Thanksgiving (if not sooner), I have learned to embrace it. Just because I don’t want to hear it doesn’t mean that every time I walk in a store, turn on the TV, or even listen to the radio I am not going to hear at least part of a song. Instead of loathing those hearts (or Christmas songs), embrace them. When I hear Christmas songs, what I do is think of the spirit of the song. This does not mean I love every song, but I listen with the heart of a child or from the point of view of the person who composed the song and what led to writing it. The same can be true of Valentine’s Day. I loved taking show boxes to school as a child, making places for all the cards, then picking the perfect card for each person in my class. Don’t view the symbols of Valentine’s Day as reminders you are alone, but as reminders of childhood.
  • Suggestion No. 2: Valentine’s Day may have a romantic origin based on the love between two people, but make a date with you. Get a bottle of wine and take a bubble bath, or make yourself dinner and watch your favorite movie. Some of the best dates can be those in which your date is you. Take yourself out for a night on the town and do all the things you enjoy. Remember, in or out of a relationship, we must love ourselves and be comfortable being alone. If a relationship ends, it is ourselves that we are left with, and even when we are with someone, there are times that it is just us. For that reason, we have to learn to enjoy our own company. After all, we like all the same things and enjoy all the same places; what is there to not like?
  • Suggestion No. 3: So often, we look at the holidays—not just Valentine’s Day—as days not only to celebrate, but of expectations. I am a romantic, and have been since I was 7 years old and wrote my first love poem (yes, it rhymed). That said, I am not the biggest fan of Valentine’s Day for one simple reason: It is a day where the whole world wants to know “what did you get for/from your partner?” If it isn’t something big, or what others perceive as romantic, you will get that look and head shake, judging you. I don’t think all the romance of a year should be placed on one day. I have always preferred to be surprised with a gift for no reason at all. I also much prefer giving someone flowers or making dinner for no reason other than I wanted to, or knowing my partner had a hard day. Being single on holidays may be hard and can be lonely if you let it be, but there are advantages. For instance: “I don’t have to buy diamond earrings; I can get myself something instead.” I am in no way saying relationships are bad or that romance is. I am simply saying embrace the single life, if that is the life you lead. If you are single, don’t think about what you are missing; think instead of what you are not obligated to do.
  • Suggestion No. 4: While Valentine’s Day is often seen as related to romantic love, make it about not just self-love, but platonic love. This is easy to do. Man or woman, gay or straight, old or young, we all have single friends, and chances are when Valentine’s Day rolls around a number of them feel the same desire to avoid the holiday like the plague. This being the case, why not spend that day or evening together? While yes, misery loves company, that is not what this is about. The idea is not to sit around and dwell on the loneliness or lament a lack of a relationship, but to embrace being single. Instead of giving or getting flowers or candy, give each other some “white elephant”-type gift, some goofy thing that no one needs but makes you think of each other. Go out and paint the town, or (if you are like me) hang with a buddy at your favorite dive bar. Make the day not about the lack of a love you can’t imagine being without, but the presence of a friend whose friendship you can’t imagine being without.

Single or coupled up, the fact is no one day should control your happiness or your romance. You will be the same you, have the same value, the same appreciation for things on February 15 as you did on February 13, so why should February 14 be different? Give yourself the break you deserve and judge yourself not on the one day of the year the calendar says “today is for lovers”—instead, remember that every day you need to love yourself.

Psiholog, Psihoterapeut Iliescu Alice

Psiholog, Psihoterapeut Iliescu Alice


 

 

 

 

 

 

Inspired by GoodTherapy.org

 

 

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Strategies to combat loneliness over the holidays

Posted on 28 December 2014 by Alice Posted in Articole .

Lonely people dread the holiday season more than any other time of year. Watching everyone around them connect to those they love makes their own feelings of emotional isolation even more profound. Indeed, the holidays can make loneliness feel especially excruciating.  

Loneliness is not an objective or qualitative measure of friendship or companionship but a qualitative one; a subjective feeling of deep emotional or social disconnection (or both). For example, many people might be married yet feel extremely lonely. Others might find themselves amidst large family gatherings yet still feel distant, unengaged, misunderstood, or unseen.

Loneliness Damages Us Emotionally, Physically, and Socially

Loneliness is not only painful emotionally but it can have a devastating impact on one’s long term psychological and physical health. Loneliness predisposes us to depression and increases our risk of Alzheimer’s disease, it suppresses our immune system functioning, it stresses our cardiovascular systems, and when chronic, it affects our very longevity.

In addition, loneliness also impacts our social functioning. Lonely people often develop defensive coping mechanisms that make it difficult for them to create new connections with others or deepen existing ones. It is natural for those who suffer loneliness to become self-protective and make efforts to avoid any situations that could expose them to further rejection.

Further, the rejection lonely people already feel often causes them to have pessimistic and defeatist outlooks and to be skeptical as to whether others are interested in them or care about them. Therefore, lonely people are likely to be reluctant to reach out and initiate contact with friends and acquaintances, have nowhere to go when the holidays come around, and then feel even more desperate and alone.

Managing Loneliness over the Holiday Season

The only way to overcome loneliness is to take actions that involve emotional risks, which for lonely people is a scary proposition indeed. With that in mind, the suggestions I make here involve relatively smaller emotional risks that have a decent chance of yielding positive results.

For those who are socially isolated, it is important to take proactive steps so that you do not spend the holidays alone. Reach out to friends, family (even distant family), and acquaintances in advance of the holidays. The best way to do so is merely to ask what they are doing for Christmas or the New Year. Such questions usually draw a response and then a similar question from the other person—and consequently, an invitation, once they hear “I don’t have any set plans yet.”

Fishing for invitations can feel risky for someone who is lonely and it might also feel frustrating to have to use such ‘tactics’. But keep in mind studies clearly show that loneliness makes us underestimate the extent to which those around us care about us as we are likely to view our friends and friendships more negatively than we should. Even if we’re skeptical about it, we should assume the person who invites us is happy to have us (otherwise they would not have extended the invitation in the first place). Spending the holidays with friends, even if not the closest friends, is far better than spending them alone and miserable.

Another strategy is to reach out to people you know and suggest actual activities. People are much more likely to respond to specific suggestions than to a generic ‘let’s get together’. Posting a message on Facebook such as, ‘Message me if you want to go caroling tomorrow evening!’ might get a response and asking people to message rather than post a reply means a potential lack of response will at least not be public.

Lastly, make every effort to put on a smile and have the right holiday spirit when you do socialize, as doing so will make for a better time and it will make others more eager to hang out again in the future.

For those who feel emotionally isolated but do have people around them, the holidays are a good time to work on deepening emotional connections you already have. Choose one person with whom you might get closer over the holidays and make an effort to spend time with them, talk with them, or do activities together. If it is a family member, going over family photographs is a great way to connect and rekindle feelings of a shared history. If it is a friend, going over old yearbooks from school or college can achieve a similar goal.

Psiholog, Psihoterapeut Iliescu Alice

Psiholog, Psihoterapeut Iliescu Alice

Lastly, make every effort to participate in group activities or family discussions as removing yourself from them sends a signal which pushes others away. Yes, it takes a huge effort to put on a smile and participate, but doing so is an important investment. The holidays do provide an opportunity to get closer to people which will pay dividends once January rolls around.  
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                                                                                                                                             Inspired by Guy Winch

 

 

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Tags: afectiune, antidepresiv, depresie, holidays, Iliescu Alice, iubit, izolat, neiubit, psiholog, psihoterapeut, sarbatori, single, singur, singuratate, sot, strategii, supravietuire .

DESPRE PSIHOTERAPIA ADLERIANA

Posted on 4 August 2012 by Psiholog Psihoterapeut- Alice Iliescu Posted in Articole .

SENTIMENTUL DE COMUNIUNE SOCIALA

Sentimentul de comuniune sociala sta la baza psihologiei lui Alfred Adler, psihoterapeut vienez, initial discipol al lui Freud, apoi intemeietorul psihologiei individuale ce are in centru individul, fiecare cu unicitatea personalitatii sale. Sentimentul de comuniune sociala este innascut si fiecare din noi il poseda, dar poate fi apoi dezvoltat. Acesta se traduce prin empatie, identificare cu semenii nostri si ajutorul oferit aproapelui nostru. Acest sentiment provine din traiul in societate, din conformitatea si apartenenta la un anumit grup social. Societatea poate fi privita ca un „sine extins”, iar o persoana care percepe acest „sine extins” se simte parte a intregului, se simte intregita si de ne-rupt, imparte bucuriile si realizarile grupului mai mare si suferintele si durerile acestuia. Apartenenta la un grup, participarea activa si sentimentul comunitar dau sens vietii individului, acesta nu se simte singur, exclus, ci are un rost si o menire. Dorinta fundamentala a omului este aceea de a apartine. De la varstele cele mai fragede, copilul are nevoie de grija mamei pentru a supravietui, toti copiii isi doresc sa-si gaseasca locul in familie, la scoala, pe strada. Ca adulti, ei isi vor cauta locul in propriile familii, la serviciu si in cercul de prieteni. Omul este prin definitie o fiinta sociala, avem nevoie unii de altii pentru a supravietui. Iar apartenenta la grup inseamna a te simti parte din ceva, a fi un element esential, o bucatica importanta dintr-un intreg care nu poate functiona la fel fara tine. Toti oamenii isi doresc sa apartina, sa aiba locul lor in societate. Iar parintii responsabili si intelepti stiu sa-i acorde copilului sprijinul de care are nevoie pentru a se simti iubit si dorit. Oamenii nu au doar nevoie de alti oameni, ci simt nevoia de a se avea nevoie de ei, de a fi utili semenilor lor. Daca fiecare da dovada de sentimente comunitare, cum ramane cu alienarea si anomia multor membri ai societatii noastre? Anomia inseamna faptul ca fiecare membru al societatii isi duce viata dupa regulile proprii, nu are aceleasi idealuri, valori sau idei cu restul societatii, este separat de aceasta. Anomia poate fi prezenta si la nivelul familiei, nu doar la nivelul societatii. Oamenii pot ajunge si sa se simta alienati, sa nu se placa, sa aiba valori scazute ale stimei de sine si ale imaginii de sine din cauza criticii constante. Alienarea si anomia sunt opusul sentimentului comunitar. Psihologia si psihoterapia adleriana nu pune etichete si incurajeaza copiii, tinerii si adultii sa se simta doriti si ca apartin unui grup social, ii invata sa se accepte pe sine cu tot cu slabiciunile si fragilitatile lor. Fiecare individ este unic, iar comportamentele sale nu sunt bune sau rele, ci pur si simplu sunt, iar cu sprijin si incurajare fiecare membru al societatii isi poate gasi calea justa si isi poate dezvolta sentimentul de comuniune sociala, gasindu-si locul in cadrul societatii. Oamenii sunt in acelasi timp si cooperanti, dar si competitivi unii cu altii. Iar competitia nu este neaparat ceva negativ, ea aduce dupa sine progresul. Cooperarea si competitia sunt foarte interesante si nu trebuie privite ca fiind in conflict, cei care sunt in competitie unii cu altii, joaca de fapt dupa aceleasi reguli. Calea de aur si de urmat este insa cooperarea si intrajutorarea, asistenta reciproca si lucrul armonios impreuna sunt calea catre o societate minunata, cooperativa unde se gaseste pacea si implinirea.

SARCINILE VIETII

Odata depasita varsta copilariei si croindu-ne pas cu pas drumul pe cararea intortocheata a vietii, realizam ca lucrurile nu sunt asa usoare cum pareau odata. Viata este complicata si ne ofera mereu provocari ce trebuiesc depasite. Psihologia adleriana, intemeiata de Alfred Adler, contemporan cu Freud si initial adept al psihologiei dinamice, vorbeste despre cinci mari asa numite sarcini ale vietii care se cer a fi implinite de catre omul adult, acestea reprezentand un indice al normalitatii si al unei bune adaptari la mediul social. Cele cinci sarcini sunt: prietenii, munca, relatiile intime, acceptarea de sine si relatia cu divinitatea (primele trei au fost propuse initial de Alfred Adler, la care apoi, au fost adaugate ultimele doua). O persoana echilibrata ar trebui sa indeplineasca cu succes aceste obiective si sa se miste bine prin viata cu ajutorul lor. Totusi oricine poate intampina probleme cu una sau mai multe dintre aceste sarcini pe parcursul vietii sale, indiferent de inteligenta si pregatirea sa. Viata in societate ne forteaz? s? interactionam, sa cooperam unii cu ceilal?i, nu putem trai izolati. De aceea primele trei sarcini emerg din adaptarea la societate. Cercul de prieteni, munca ?i relatia intima sunt componente care ar trebui s? existe in viata fiecarui individ pentru ca acesta s? se poat? simti implinit. A patra sarcina, adaugata mai tarziu, este de o vitala importanta pentru atingerea celorlalte trei. O buna relatie cu tine insuti, acceptarea de sine, duc la succes pe celelalte planuri. Adlerienii au propus si o a cincea sarcina a vietii si anume spiritualitatea, relatia cu divinitatea, cum am mentionat. Faptul de a crede sau nu in Dumnezeu, in viata de apoi, influenteaza felul in care cineva isi conduce viata. Ideile lui Adler sunt de mult bun simt si sunt si foarte actuale. Orice om din ziua de azi se confrunta cu acestea: ne este necesar un serviciu pentru a supravietui, prieteni pentru socializare, o relatie intima pentru sufletul nostru, o buna relatie cu noi insine si o anumita relatie cu Dumnezeu, macar o definire a acestuia in mintea noastra. Nu am vorbit prea mult de relatia noastra cu noi insine, pe care adlerienii o pun pe locul patru, dar dupa parerea mea ar trebui pusa pe locul intai deoarece de aici incepe totul! De la o buna relatie cu noi insine deriva totul, daca avem incredere in propriile forte, daca avem o buna stima de sine si daca avem curajul de a actiona, putem sa ajungem foarte departe si putem intampina cu usurinta sarcinile despre care vorbea Adler si oricare alte sarcini pe care ni le mai are de oferit viata! Dar daca se intampla sa intampinati dificultati intr-una sau mai multe din sarcinile vietii, nu disperati, nu va pierdeti speranta! Nu inseamna ca sunteti o persoana mai slaba sau mai putin daruita de natura, se intampla celor mai buni dintre noi, cateodata. Sa continuati pe drumul pe care l-ati ales sau sa schimbati macazul, depinde doar de voi, dar in orice caz nu va dati niciodata batuti! Este un proverb englezesc foarte potrivit pentru situatia de fata si suna cam asa: „N-ai reusit? Persevereaza! Ai reusit? Persevereaza!” Deci oricum ar sta lucrurile nu inceta niciodata sa mergi inainte!

ORDINEA NASTERII INFLUENTEAZA PERSONALITATEA COPIILOR

Adler a observat, dupa numeroase studii, ca exista o corelatie intre ordinea nasterii fratilor si personalitatile acestora. Astfel dupa ordinea nasterii exista: copil unic, singurul copil al familiei, primul nascut, al doilea nascut, copilul mijlociu si mezinul familiei. Copilul unic este mereu in centrul atentiei si se poate dezvolta ca fiind egocentric pentru ca nu a invatat sa imparta, neavand cu cine sa o faca. Copilul unic nu este niciodata detronat deci nu trebuie sa-si faca probleme in privinta locului ocupat in familie. Primul nascut este initial singur si in centrul atentiei, ca apoi sa fie detronat de nasterea celui de-al doilea copil. Astfel primul copil tanjeste dupa sentimentul de atotputernicie pe care il avea inaintea nasterii fratelui sau si in acelasi timp, el se va responsabiliza, fiindca este cel mai mare dintre frati. Acest sentiment ramane viu in propria personalitate, partea pozitiva ar fi ca acestia se responsabilizeaza fiindca sunt cei mai mari din familie. Al doilea copil are oarecum o pozitie privilegiata, el avand deja pe cineva in spate care a dat tonul, astfel el este mereu in competitie cu fratele mai mare care impune ritmul. Al doilea copil este adesea rebel si nu se supune autoritatii. Copilul mijlociu are parte atat de experienta primului nascut, cat si de cea a mezinului, dar se poate simti inconjurat de competitori, presat si inghesuit intr-o zona mica in cautarea semnificatiei. Mezinul este si el intr-o pozitie privilegiata, are o cale batatorita de ceilalti frati, iar reperele date sunt clare. El nu este detronat niciodata, insa are mult de recuperat pentru a-i ajunge pe ceilalti din urma. Totusi ordinea nasterii este doar o influenta, nu un dat categoric, o importanta mai mare o are situatia psihologica perceputa de fiecare copil, situatie care poate varia cu fiecare noua nastere. Fiecare copil si fiecare persoana isi doreste sa evolueze si sa fie acceptata, de aici apare si competitia, lupta pentru un loc semnificativ in familie. Iar succesul unui frate, poate fi descurajant pentru alt copil din familie. Toti ne cautam cu ardoare un loc pe aceasta planeta si in aceasta existenta, dar faptul pe care nu il realizam, este ca fiecare are deja un loc al sau si nu este nevoie sa se lupte pentru el. Fiecare individ este unic, fiecare personalitate este diferita si are atuurile sale, suntem cu totii minunati in deplinatatea noastra.

 

 

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Tags: alfred adler, comuniune, Iliescu Alice, psiholog, psihoterapeut, sentiment, singur, sociala .

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“Mai important decât ceea ce ai, este ce faci cu ceea ce ai” Alfred Adler

“Mai important decât ceea ce ai, este ce faci cu ceea ce ai” Alfred Adler

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